The Longest Autumn

“Why are you upset this time?" Aisha asked when he took his seat opposite to her. 

“Not upset, but tired." 

“No, not only tired, but upset too.” She passed him a glass of soda which he needed the most but he said nothing. 

“Job or Fayra?” He looked up. Most of the time she knew what bothers him the most. 

"Both.” He muttered. 

"What's more important right now? You can't focus on both at the same time. Focus on one at once.” 

"But I can't choose one.” 

"Fayra is not a problem Danish. Being jobless is! Solve the problem then focus on your responsibility.” she suggested in a soft voice. 

“I'm unable to find a job, Aisha. What am I supposed to do?” He was kind of frustrated. It's so simple to say some words to a person suffering in his life, but what one could do? 

“Do two things. First, don't stop trying and second, leave all your matters in the hands of Allah, trust his choice for you, trust his plans." Danish was silently watching her, each and every word from her tongue was so soothing and relaxing. 

"Aisha I'm already doing both." He tried to justify himself and she smiled with a nod.

"Then relax! Agar aapne apne maamlaat Allah ke hawale kar diye to us par bharosa bhi kariye, Danish. Mehnat karte rahiye, lekin har jatan ke baad bhi agar aapka koi kaam nhi ho rha to samajh lijiye wo aapki manzil hai hi nhi.” 

(Then relax! If you have left your matters in Allah's hands, then you must trust Him, Danish. Keep working hard, but even after all your efforts, if something is not happening, then understand that it was never your destination.)

“Aur wo meri manzil na ho to kya kru, Aisha?” Asked Danish in a defeated voice. He was trying his best to get a job but he was not ready to accept that not getting a job was his destination.

(And what am I supposed to do if that's not my destination?)

"To mehnat karte rahiye, safar jaari rakhiye, ho sakta hai jise aap apni manzil samajh rhe ho wo raaste ka ek padaaw ho… ye bhi to ho sakta hai na Danish ki jis job ke liye aap itna struggle kar rhe hain aap us se achhi post deserve karte ho. Haar nhi maniye, ek qadam aage badaiye. Main aapke liye dua karungi, Allah aapko aapki manzil tak jaldi pohcha de." 

(So keep working hard, keep the journey going, it is possible that what you consider to be your destination is just a stopping point along the way... it could also be, Danish, that you deserve a much better post than the job you are struggling so hard for. Do not give up, take a step forward. I will pray for you, may Allah bring you to your destination soon.)

Tossing in the bed Danish questioned himself regarding everything happening in his life. Aisha's memories refused to leave his mind. Suddenly, every quiet moment reminded him of her. He had always noticed her kindness, but never paused to wonder why she cared so deeply. Perhaps that was why he never understood the concern hidden behind her prayers or the emotions quietly resting in her eyes.

How honestly and sincerely she asked his success and happiness, but never him in her prayers.

Four days had passed since Zunera unknowingly planted that thought in his mind through Ayeshe Gul's story. Yet he still couldn't accept the comparison. In the office too, he was unable to focus on the work. Again and again, his hand reached for his mobile to call Aisha but never found courage to do so. 

Walking out from the room he went to the kitchen, made himself a mug of coffee and thought for a few minutes. He had two options, terrace and lawn, and he didn't want to go to the same place where Fayra was already present. 

He almost walked towards the lawn before remembering Fayra was probably there so he walked towards the terrace. Climbing the stairs he was thinking about his efforts for Fayra, I've done everything for her, still she feels nothing for me? Why can't she love me? and this question came with another question… But what have I done to make Aisha fall for me? I did nothing for her. These were the two questions he desperately wanted answers to. Pushing open the already unlocked door of the terrace he stepped in, the empty swing reminded him of Fayra but he ignored the painful memories and focused on the moon. 

“Why is loneliness our destiny?" He asked loudly as if the moon was going to answer but all he heard in reply was a chime of metallic bangles. He turned. Fayra was sitting on the floor, resting her back against the wall. She was exactly beside the door of the terrace. After stepping on the terrace Danish looked everywhere except one step behind the place he was standing. 

Their eyes met. One was shocked and the other was surprised. 

Fayra stood up to go downstairs but stopped by his voice. 

"Ek baar bhi ehsaas nhi hota tumne kya kara hai mere sath?” For the first time after the divorce he dared to ask the most needed question. Fayra lowered her eyes. For a few seconds neither of them spoke. Then she slowly lifted her eyes, looking directly in his eyes. The whole world believed he was fine, but the windows of his soul were reflecting the insight of the barren land of his heart. 

(Don't you feel the burden of what you have done to me? Not even once?) 

"Aapko kabhi ehsaas hua ki mere sath kya hua tha?” Her voice was soft, full of respect but representing her suffering. “Meri galti sirf itni hai ki main us rishte me bandhi nhi reh sakti thi jo zabardasti jood diya gya tha. Maine sirf apne sukun aur azadi ko chun liya aur aap akele reh gye, mujhe iska dukh hai. Main aapko kabhi dukh dena nhi chahti thi.” She was not the confused Fayra, but a confident girl who finally knew what she wanted and how to express herself openly. 

(Did you ever realise what happened to me? My only mistake was that I could not stay bound to a relationship that was forced upon me. I only chose my peace and freedom, and you were left alone, I feel sorry for that. I never wanted to hurt you.)

“Akeli to tum bhi reh gyi ho Fayra. Har raat is tanhayi me sirf main hi nhi jalta tum bhi jalti ho. Agar tum is rishte ko ek moqa de deti to aaj ham dono khush hote.” Danish was angry with Fayra, she returned him nothing other than loneliness and pieces of his broken heart in the barter of his pure love. 

(You're also alone Fayra. It's not only me who burns in this fire, you're also on the same page. We both could be happy only if you had given a chance to this marriage.)

“Is rishte se azad ho ke mujhe sabka gussa aur nafrat hi mili hai, lekin… sach me, ab main sukun se soo paati hu. Mujhe har raat dar nhi lagta… mujhe har raat ghutan nhi hoti.”

(After freeing myself from this relationship, I received nothing but everyone's anger and hatred, but… truthfully, now I can sleep in peace. I am not afraid every night… I do not feel suffocated every night.)

“Tum Arsh jese bure insaan ko moqa dene ko tayyar thi… mujh me kya burayi thi Fayra?” 

(You were ready to give a chance to a disgusting man like Ashat but not me? What's wrong with me?)

"Burayi? Maine to aapki achhai par kabhi shak kra hi nhi. Mujhe to aap tab se achhe lagte hain jab mujhe apna naam bhi likhna nhi aata tha. Yaad hai aapko, mujhe aapne hi to hath me pencil hold karna sikhaya tha, aapne hi mujhe mera naam likhna sikhaya tha. Mujhe sab yaad hai…" Danish remained silent, today Fayra was ready to let him know what she felt when she was trapped in this marriage. “Mujhe ye bhi yaad hai ki Maine hamesha aapko usi nazar se dekha jisse ek chhoti behen apne bade bhai ko dekhti hai. Agar Nani Jaan ne mujhe bhi wo hi sab keh diya hota jo aapse kaha tha to shayad main bhi apna mind bna leti, ya phir kaash unhone aapse bhi wo sab nhi kaha hota to aap bhi mujhe hamesha apni behen maante. Lekin jo kuch bhi hua use qismat ka feysla maam lena behtar hai. Aap koi aesi ladki deserve karte hain jiske dil me aapke liye izzat aur mohabbat ho, jo aapki mohabbat ka jawab mohabaat se de sake, mere jesi ladki nhi jisne lakh koshish kri lekin aapko apne shohor ke taur par accept hi nhi kar payi.” A few curls had escaped her scarf, swaying gently with the night breeze as the moonlight softened the edges of her face. The hesitant girl he had married was gone. The woman standing before him had finally made peace with herself. Danish had no answer. 

For the first time, he realised she wasn't rejecting him because he wasn't enough. 

She was rejecting a relationship that never existed in her heart. 

With that, she quietly walked away, leaving his heart beating to a rhythm he had never known before.

(Bad qualities? I never even doubted your goodness. I have liked you since the time I didn’t even know how to write my own name. Do you remember, you were the one who taught me how to hold a pencil, you were the one who taught me how to write my name. I remember everything… I also remember that I always looked at you solely as a brother. If Nani Jaan (Maternal Grandmother) had said the same things to me that she said to you, then maybe I would have made up my mind too, or… I wish she hadn't said anything to you either, so you would have always considered me your sister. But whatever happened, it is better to accept it as the decision of fate. You deserve a girl who has respect and love for you in her heart, someone who can reciprocate your love with love, not a girl like me who tried a million times but just couldn't accept you as her husband.)

Danish didn't stop her.

Her footsteps faded down the stairs.

He remained standing beneath the moon, staring at the empty doorway.

For the first time...

there was nothing left to say but her words refused to leave his mind.

You deserve someone who can reciprocate your love with love…

He closed his eyes. For some reason, Aisha's smiling face appeared before his eyes.

He frowned.

Was Aisha right?

No...

Fayra couldn't simply be a stopping point in the journey.

She had been his destination for years.

...Or had he only believed she was?

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Home, office, gym and repeat. 

Another month of his life passed, everything was looking the same except a feeling. 

The feeling of acceptance!

Not even once, in the whole thirty days, he questioned the efforts he put in this relationship. Before talking to Fayra, he had a feeling that maybe some more efforts could save this marriage, but now he was not guilty anymore.  

“Danish…” a call from his parents' bedroom forced him to close his eyes. He didn't want to listen to their motivational quotes again. Motivation committee from within, but everyone feels motivated through words, some need time. He was unable to explain this to his parents. “Danish." This time, it was Anzala on his doorstep. He heard door opening and closing followed by footsteps coming closer to the bed, yet he didn't open his eyes.

"Danish.” Maizah's call came near him, he didn't open his eyes. "I know you're not sleeping. Stop acting.”

"Maizah, is he really sleeping?” Anzala asked and Maizah opened her mouth to say something but stopped by Anzala's signal to stay quiet. “Let's hide his dumbles." Sitting on the bed Anzala said loudly and Danish huffed without opening his eyes. 

“I'm not a toddler, don't play these silly tricks and let me sleep." They both chuckled and Danish opened his eyes. 

"Yes beta ji, we're also trying to remind you the same. You're not a toddler anymore so don't play these tricks with us.” Danish couldn't help but sit down on the bed and Maizah made her space in front of him. 

“See, I like her." Showing a photo, his mother smiled. They both were desperately waiting for their son to move on from a marriage which lasted only in his heart, not on the pages of reality. 

"Mumma, let me sleep, I have to wake up early for the gym.” 

"Danish, keep my words in your mind." Anzala pressed the shoulder of his boy and he picked the glasses from the side table. "Dad, please. I'm tired of your philosophy. I know you both have done B.Phil but it doesn't mean that you start practicing your degree after decades." 

Maizah palmed her face, she felt defeated but Anzala nodded calmly. 

“Beta kitabo wali philosophy to main kab ki bhul chuka, ab to bas zindagi ki philosophy yaad hai, aur us philosophy ne ek baat hi sikhayi hai.” He held Danish's hand, "Jo aapse mohabbat kre use jaane na do, aur jo mohabbat na kre use qaid me na rakho." 

(Dear, honestly I forget the philosophies I studied in books, but I only remember the philosophies of life.)

(Don't let go of the person who loves you but set free the person who doesn't love you, just don't cage her in a namesake relationship.)

“Jaane to diya dad, kaha use qaid kar ke rakha. Rakhna chahta to rakh leta…” 

(I already set her free. When did I caged her.)

"Jab use jaane diya hai to uski mohabbat ko Dil se nikaal do.” 

(If you've already let her go then forget her love too.)

"Kese? Mera dil hai, koi computer to nhi ki ek format pr click kara aur sab delete. Maine uske alawa kisi aur ki khwahish hi nhi ki thi kabhi.”

(But how? It's my heart, not a computer, just a click and everything is gone. I haven't wished for anyone other than her.)

"Har khwahish puri bhi to nhi hoti, jo nhi mil rha uske liye zindagi nhi ruk jaati." Maizah hid her sadness and tried her best to be sensible. 

(But not all wishes get answered. Life doesn't stop for what's coming.)

“Chala to raha hu zindagi ko, ab to maine smoking bhi band kar di hai, health par bhi focus kar liya hai. Sab kuch to achha ho gya hai na." The defeated Danish was unable to understand his parents as well as failed to express himself. 

(My life is going on, it's not stopped. Even now, I'm maintaining a healthy and happy lifestyle.)

“Haan, tum zindagi chala rhe ho, jii nhi rhe. Ek baar koshish karo zindagi me wapas aane ki, zindagi jine ki.” Maizah requested and Danish sighed. 

(Yes, your life is just going on, you're not living this life. Try at least once to come back to life. To live it.)

"How?”

“Arey yaar, shadi karo biwi ke sath ghumo phiro, aish kro, ye umar ghar bethne ki hai? Itni umar me to ham dono ghar se bhaag ke 3-4 goa ke tour laga aye the. Yaad hai Mazi? Kese sabke soo jane ke baad ham dono ghar se bhaag jate the?” Anzala rolled his eyes. He wasn't behaving like a father but a cheerful friend or a cousin.

(Oh come on dude, get married and roam around the world with your wife. Enjoy your life. Is this your age to stay at home? In this age your mother and I had run away from home some 3-4 times.)

"Achha theek hai ek din main bhi ghar se bhaag jaunga, abhi to soone dijiye.” 

(Great. One day I'll also run away from home, but for now, let me sleep.)

“Yaar Mazi pakka hai na ye hamara hi beta hai? Kahi hospital me exchange to nhi ho gya tha? Hamari aulaad itni serious aur boring kese ho sakti hai?” 

(Yaar Mazi, are you sure he is our son only? I doubt he was exchanged in the hospital. Our offspring can't be so sincere.)

"Kabhi kabhi to main bhi ye hi baat sochti hu, Bisma ko dekho, kitni ut pataang harkate karti hai, lagta hai hamari hi aulaad hai, ek ye hai.” Maizah pulled a face at her son's behaviour. Danish was a sincere child from a very small age. His parents' arguments irked him to a good extent. 

(Sometimes I also think the same. Just look at Bisma, she is such a weirdo, just like us.)

“Iski to ka hi school se bhi complaint nhi ayi, ye to homework bhi khud kar leta tha, kitni tamanna thi meri, mere bete ki school se shararat karne ki complaint aye, main jaa ke teacher se kahi ki bachhe to aese hi karte hain, lekin ye to class monitor ban ke betha rha.” Anzala was tired of his only son and his goodness. He wanted to relive his childhood with his son but that boy came to their lives like a parent who scolded his parents if they quarreled. 

(He never even got a single complaint from school; he used to do his homework all by himself. I wished so much that I would receive a complaint about my son playing pranks or being mischievous at school, so I could go and tell the teacher, 'Well, children just act like this.' But he just sat there, being the class monitor.)

"Mukhe to dar tha ki kahi ye baap par na chala jaye… 2-4 girlfriends aur anginat flirting material sath leke ghume, lekin ise to ek bhi pasand nhi aa rhi.” well, at least Maizah was satisfied with this matter. 

(I was afraid that he might turn out just like his father… walking around with 2 or 4 girlfriends and endless flirting material, but he doesn't seem to like even a single one.)

"Aap log pehle decide kar lijiye aapko problem kya hai? Ki maine koi galat kaam nhi kra?" Danish was shocked to know his parents’ expectations from him. 

(You people first decide what your problem is? That I haven't done anything wrong?)

"Abhi bhi dair nhi huyi hai, ab kar lo… yaar life me thrill hona chahiye. Main to is baat ke liye bhi tayyar hu ki tum kisi ladki ko bhaga kar le aao, baqi sab main sambhal lunga.” Anzala suggested to his son one of the most thrilling tasks of the life, leaving the other two people shocked. 

(It's not too late, do something… even if you flee a girl from her home and bring her here, I'm ready to support you. Do it.)

"Anzuuuu ye zyada nhi ho rha?” Maizah's eyes grew wide, so as Danish's but Anzala shrugged. 

(Don't you think it's more than enough?)

"Ye bhi alag hi adventure hai yaar, yaad nhi hai, Arham aur Muskan ki love story? Kese dono ek dusre se chup chup ke milte the… kese Muskan ke hitler abba ne villain ka role play kra tha… yaar life me kuch to adventurous hona chahiye. Ye bhi koi zindagi huyi ki subah gym jao phir office uske baad ghar?" 

(This is another level of thrill! Remember Muskan and Arham’s love story? They way they used to meet each other secretly. Muskan's Hitler-like dad played the role of the villain... man, there should be some adventure in life. Is this even a life where you just go to the gym in the morning, then to the office, and after that straight back home?)

“Anzu tu pagal ho gya hai.” Maizah slapped his arm and Anzala pushed her hand away. 

(Anzu you're mad!)

"Yaar main pagal nhi hua main bore ho gya hu…” he rolled his eyes but the very next moment he glared at Maizah. "Aur main bta raha hu agar Danish ne shadi nhi kri to main dusri shadi kar lunga, life me kuch to adventure ho.” It wasn't only a casual warning but a challenge.

(I'm not mad, I'm just bored.)

(And I'm telling you, if not Danish then I'll get married the second time. I need some adventure in life.)

“Dad?" Danish and Maizah were shocked, but the very next moment Maizah huffed and bending forward she picked her slipper from the floor. 

"Tu kar ke dikha dusri shadi, tera muh aesa badal dungi ki plastic surgery se bhi dobara theek na ho paye.” 

(You get married for the second time and I'll change the geographical structure of your face in such a way that not even plastic surgery will be able to restore it.)

"Dekh aa gya na life me adventure.” Anzala shrugged proudly and Danish chuckled. Both of his parents were surprised to see him laughing in this way. When did he laugh wholeheartedly like this? They didn't even remember him laughing openly. 

(See, the adventure is beginning here only.)

"Dad jab aapki life me already itna adventure hai to mujhe kyu involve kar rhe hain? Enjoy your life.” 

(Dad,why are you even involving me if you already have so many adventures in your life? Enjoy!)

"Besharam, behaya, maa ke zinda hote huye baap ki dusri shadi kara rhe ho, sharam nhi aati? Uski shadi ho chuki hai. Tum apna socho." 

(You shameless creature! Don't you feel shame in getting your father married for the second time when your mother is still alive? You think about yourself, he is already married.)

“Ek shadi to meri bhi ho chuki hai." Danish replied while shrugging his shoulders but this time he was not sad. He was still smiling. Acceptance of the situations is the best thing one can do, and he started doing the same unknowingly. 

(I also got married once.) 

Anzala and Maizah looked at each other. After sending almost five decades of their lives together they could read each other like books without even using words. Only a few seconds long eye contact and they knew what they had to do. 

"Decision is all yours. Who is getting married? You or me?” Anzala asked in a hurry, his lips weren't leaving a smile. Maizah was somewhere between shock and fear. Deep down she knew how crazily this man loves her but she also knew he could do any crazy thing if it comes to adventure. 

“Dad?" Danish was laughing. “What kind of option are you even giving me?”  

“Danish, I'm serious." 

"Maa ke suhaag ka sawal hai beta, tu hi shadi kar le, ab budhape me Bahu ka muh dikha de sotan ka nhi.” Maizah's fake cry and begging was enough to make Danish chuckled one more time.

(It's a matter of your mother's marital bliss, dear. You should just get married. Now, in my old age, let me see the face of a daughter-in-law, not a co-wife.)

"Show me the photos.” Still laughing wholeheartedly Danish spread his hand in front of his mother asking for the mobile to see the girls profiles. 

“Isn't she beautiful?” Asked Maizah while showing the photo but Danish wasn't interested in a beautiful face, what he focused on was the biodata. 

"Age: 22.” 

"Mummy, she is just 22. I'm going to be 29 soon." 

“The girl and her parents are agreeing. We're not forcing them.” Maizah shrugged. 

“Can you find a mature girl! Not a 21-22 year old bubbly personality. Someone who can understand the ups and downs of life." This time Danish asked in a serious tone. The heart, not ready to accept anything besides Fayra, slowly moved on.

“Fine. Anything else?" 

“Umm… no. Just… I would like to meet the girl in person before getting hitched." 

“Sure!" Anzala and Maizah nodded. 

“May I sleep now?" Asked Danish while yawning, he was truly tired and sleepy.

"Good night. Now, saving your mother from a co-wife is in your hands.” Danish laughed again at his mother's begging. Maizah kissed the middle of his head before walking out of the room and Anzala followed her to their bedroom.

“Mazi… wanna have something?” Anzala asked but Maizah was busy applying a cream on her face followed by a moisturiser on her hands. "I'm ordering pizza… or should I order something else.?" 

“Order poison. Eat it in one go." She huffed and slipped into the bed with a puffed face. Anzala knew what was happening.

"Pagal chudail." He placed his elbow on her forearm just to irritate her and when she hissed and pushed him away he placed his chin on her arm, she was still ignoring him. Her back was facing him.

(Idiot witch)

"Now, since your son is ready, I'm not going to get married for the second time. So don't worry.” He whispered and gently placed his hand on her head but before his fingertips could caressed her scalp softly she turned with a jolt. 

"It means, if he wouldn't have agreed you were looking for another wife?” Maizah was turning red in anger but Anzala sighed. He could tease her to a good extent but he knew this woman was already stressed enough for Danish, one more topic of stress could lead to her poor health. 

“Pagal hai kya? Sari zindgi tere sath barbaad kar ke ab karunga dusri shadi? Jab bachho ki aulaad se khelne ke din aa gye is umar me?” His statement immediately worked like ice water on the burning coal. 

(Are you crazy? Would I get married a second time now, after ruining my entire life with you? At this age, when is the time to play with our grandchildren?)

“Don't talk to me." She pushed his hand away. 

"Tere nakhre khatam nhi honge na?” He forcefully turned her and she glared at him without choosing to say a single word. 

(Your tantrums won't be decreased. Isn't it?)

“Jab mar jaunga tab yaad karegi kitna achha tha main, abhi zinda hu to dikha le nakhre." His words worked like the most powerful hammer on her heart. Forgetting everything she sat down on the bed and Anzala received a tight slap on his arm. 

(You'll miss me after my death, show these tantrums while I'm still alive.)

"Bakwaas karne ke alawa tujhe aur kuch nhi aata na? Sari zindgi kabhi pyar se to rakha nhi gya ab marne ki baate kar rha hai.” 

(Don't you know anything other than talking rubbish? You didn't love me the whole life, now you're talking about death.)

"Kisi ki himmat nhi hai mujhse uchi awaz me baat bhi karle, aur main tere hath se thappad bhi khaa leta hu, is se zyada mohabbat ka sabut nhi de sakta. Pagal chudail.” The love filled reply got a slap on her arm, because they were Anzala and Maizah, their love wasn't soft and emotional. Maizah kept gearing at him, her face was turning red, Anzala was considering it an act of anger but soon her nostrils expanded and she placed her head on his chest leaving him shocked. 

(Nobody has the courage to even raise their voice at me, yet I even let you slap me. I cannot give a greater proof of love than this, you crazy witch.)

“Mazi?" 

“Agar tu ne dobara marne ki baat kri to main tera gala daba dungi." She didn't know for how long she was resting her head on Anzala's chest and when she broke the hug he was smiling looking at her face. 

(I will strangle you, if you talk about dying again.)

“What's funny about this?" She huffed, anger was at its peak. His lips were smiling but eyes were telling a different story. He slowly grabbed only one hair of her and the next moment combed away the hair from her forehead. 

"Budhi ho gyi hai, baal safed hone lage.” He was teasing her but she rolled her eyes. 

(You have grown old, your hair is starting to turn grey.)

“Haan to? Tu konsa jawan hai? Clean shave rakh ke betha hua hai warna abhi tak safed dadi wala baba bana hua hota." She jerked her head. 

(So what? Are you still young? Your clean-shaven face is saving you, otherwise by now you would have become a white-bearded old sage.)

They both knew very well how important they were for each other. They started their lives together under the same roof, and now they were afraid of the cruelty of time because no one of them wanted to live away from the other. That's why they could feel Danish's pain, they knew, forgetting Fayra was not easy for him, but leaving him in the same condition could not make things better for sure. 

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