The Longest Autumn

“From when you became a chain smoker?” in the middle of the night when everything was at peace there were a few people who were unable to sleep. And two of them were standing here in the lawn of Rizwi mansion. “Danish. I wanna talk to you." The small voice echoed one more time but he didn't bother to turn behind.

“I don't want to talk about anything, I have already cleared my side of the story. There is nothing between me and Aisha.” Danish repeated what he was already tired of explaining in front of almost everyone, nth time but this time he was frustrated. 

"I'm not here to ask about Aisha, but about Fayra…” this time Danish turned to see him, and Adnaan understood the reason he was continuously facing opposite to him. His eyes were red, as if he was crying. 

"Go ahead.” Danish muttered and puffed on the cigarette present in the middle of his first two fingers. Adnaan saw a different version of Danish, a bolder and fearless one. Who wasn't afraid to smoke in front of his family members, the previous version of Danish was caught a few times by Adnaan and Anzala while smoking and he was afraid to even hold this thing in his hand when elders were standing near him. Who was this man?

Adnaan spread his hand in front of the young man. "It has been ages… give one to me too." The middle aged man decided to join the young man when he couldn't abash him.

Danish pulled out the beautiful cigarette case from his pocket, pressed a button to let the cigarette head pop up. Adnaan grabbed one, he himself grabbed another. 

“Danish… it's too much now.” Said Adnaan seeing him lighting the fresh cigarette.

"You were saying something…" an indirect indication to start a conversation instead of giving him lessons.

“What is happening between you and Fayra?” Adnaan asked after puffing on the cigarette, his other hand slowly grabbed Danish's shoulder.

"Ask her. She is your daughter, you'll trust her more than you trust my statements.” Another bitter reply. Danish was never a bitter person then how could he be so rude? Adnaan was surprised but he didn't want to create a scene because of this. He knew life and struggles can make a person rude. However no one truly knew the struggle of this going man. 

"Tum mere bete nhi ho?" Asked Adnaan and Danish looked at his face, the grip on the cigarette loosened and he dropped it on the glass before crushing it with the tip of his slipper. 

(Aren't you my son?)

"Jawab ki zarurat hai?” Danish muttered while his slipper was still crushing the rubble of cigarette. 

(Do you really need an answer?)

"Sara ko bete ki kami mehsoos hoti thi to main hamesha kehta tha, Danish hai na.” Adnaan also threw the cigarette from his hand. 

(When Sara missed having a son, I would always tell her, 'You have Danish, don't you?’)

“You wanted to talk about Fayra…” suddenly he was the same polite Danish with no grudges and anger.

"My question is still the same… What's wrong between you two?" 

“She hates me." 

“Why?" Adnaan asked

“Because I love her." He shrugged with a sarcastic smile but Adnaan didn't understand.

“Chamu nani jaan ne kaha tha jab ham bade ho jayenge to wo Fayra aur meri shadi kara dengi… bas mere chhote se dimag ne yaqeen kar liya. Mohabbat kar betha us se… lekin jab uska rishta Arsh ke sath pakka hua to uski khushi ke liye is mohabbat ko maar diya tha mene. Kyuki mujhe Fayra kabhi nhi chahiye thi, mujhe to uski khushi chahiye thi. Lekin phir sab kuch badal gya, wo biwi ban gyi meri aur usne meri diary parh li… ab use lagta hai ki sari galti meri hi hai. Wo to mujhe bhai hi samajhti thi mene aesa soch bhi kese liya." 

(When we were kids, Chamu Nani Jaan once said that she'd marry Fayra and me when we grew up. My little heart believed her... and I fell in love with her. When her engagement to Arsh was fixed, I buried those feelings for her happiness. I never wanted Fayra for myself—I only wanted her to be happy.Then fate made her my wife, and one day she read my diary. Now she thinks she's always seen me as nothing more than a brother... and that I was wrong for ever feeling otherwise.)

“Tum kya chahte ho?”

(What do you want?) 

"Peace.” His requirement was simple. 

"Separation?” Adnaan asked with a fearful heart, he didn't want this marriage to end in this way and Danish smiled while seeing the moon. 

"Chamu aapne Sara Mami se mohabbat kari hai? Ya bas shadi ho gyi to nibha liya?” He shifted his eyes towards the middle aged man. 

(Chamu, have you loved Sara mami or just respected the relationship of marriage?)

“Mohabbat karta hu us se, hadd se zyada." 

(I love her, limitless.)

"Then you can understand my situation… I don't want to let Fayra go away from my life, especially since she is my legally wedded wife, but…" Danish took a deep pause as if he was analysing every emotion inside himself but letting only one out in front of the world. Serenity. “But I don't want her only as a wife… I want her as a lover who trusts and understands me. And please don't force your decision on her… maybe for you I am a perfect match for your daughter, a perfect son-in-law but by imposing your decision on Fayra you'll only make our lives difficult." He hesitated for a moment but continued. “Umm… well… maybe it's inappropriate for me to talk about a girl in this way to her father but… I want to clear one thing… I don't want Fayra for my desires or lust… I just don't want a wife material who will be with me all day and night without having mutual feelings for me. So please don't force her. I don't want a commanded robot in the name of my wife." And he walked away without meeting eyes with Adnaan who took a deep breath and let it go while removing his specs. 

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Next Day

“Come here." Holding Fayra's hand, Adnaan took her towards the couch, Sara, Anzala and Maizah were already waiting for her so that they could discuss this important matter. 

“Wanna have some tea?” Sara asked while pouring the golden beverage in cups, but no one was interested in tea.

“Just half a cup.” Fayra muttered while taking her seat beside her mother and Adnaan had a seat opposite to his daughter. 

“We want to discuss you and Danish… you already know.” Sara passed her the cup of tea and Fayra nodded. But what the elders noticed was the shivering of her hands. When did she shiver before this marriage while mentioning Danish's name? 

“What do you want, beta?" Adnaan asked politely just to get nothing but silence. 

"Fayra, Adnaan is asking something.” Maizah placed her hand on her shoulder and Fayra took a deep breath. 

"My answer is still the same. I don't feel comfortable with the idea of Danish as a husband.” She muttered without looking at anyone. 

Anzala had a hard look on his face because he was already dying from inside while seeing his son suffering in all these things. The other three were stressed. No one wanted separation including Danish. 

"And I told you already… time will make you comfortable with him, if you put this discomfort aside, what's your decision?" Maizah asked lovingly and Fayra felt her heart beating faster than usual. She was silent for a while then everyone noticed tears in her eyes. 

“Fayra…” Adnaan sat beside her while taking her in a side hug. "No one is scolding you, what's the reason behind these tears?”

"I am stuck.” She muttered only this. 

"Ham rukhsati ki tayyari karte hain, waqt ke sath sath tum is rishte ko accept kar hi logi.” Eventually Sara took part in the conversation and Maizah nodded. They both have already passed through this stage of life so they knew how it felt. But Fayra shook her head which enraged Sara.

(Well, we're doing preparations for your farewell, you'll accept this relationship with passing time.)

"Danish ke bina reh sakti ho tum? Bachpan se aadat hai tumhe uski, to ab kya ho gya?” Sara wasn't polite anymore because she was seeing her daughter making a wrong decision.

(Can you stay away from Danish? It has been your habit to stay around him since childhood, so what's the matter now?)

"Haan Fayra, tumhe yaad hai tum bachpan se zidd karti thi ki Danish sirf tumhara hai, tum to uske dost bhi nhi banne deti thi, ab kya hua hai beta? Jab Danish sach me tumhara ho chuka hai to kyu dur bhaag rhi ho us se?” Maizah made a valid point but Fayra's heart wasn't ready to accept anything.

(Yeah Fayra, you have been so possessive for Danish since childhood, you never even let him make friends… but now, why are you giving up on him when he is all yours?)

"No one understands me…” Fayra muttered while looking at her father, "papa.”

"Yeah beta…”

“Give me two more days… just two days and I'll let you know my decision." She demanded. Adnaan nodded but Sara shook her head. 

“Stop all these pamperings… enough. Just fix the date of farewell, time will make all the other things fine.” Sara announced but Anzala furrowed. 

"Nhi. Mujhe Danish ki zindagi aur khushiyo ko waqt ke bharose nhi chhodna aesi shadi ka kya fayda jisme khushi se zyada hasrat aur aazmaish ho. Tum dono Fayra se baat kar lo, wo khushi se is rishte ko qubul karna chahti hai to theek hai, warna mere bete ke liye ladkiyo ki kami nhi hai. Fayra nhi to koi aur sahi." Placing the cup of tea on the coffee table with a thud, Anzala stood up, he didn't look at Fayra while talking, all his firm voice and words were for Adnaan and Sara.

(No. I cannot leave Danish's life and happiness to fate. What's the point of a marriage that brings more longing and trials than happiness? Both of you should talk to Fayra. If she truly wants to accept this marriage with a happy and willing heart, then that's fine. Otherwise, there is no shortage of girls for my son. If not Fayra, then someone else.)

“Mazi, make me tea," throwing a deadly glare at his wife as he walked out of the room. Maizah knew the meaning of this look. This man was a playful and jolly person with a devil may care nature but when it comes to some serious matters, he didn't care about anything. 

And she knew who was most important for Anzala… his children. 

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Fayra's POV:

Suddenly I became the villain in my own home for breaking Danish's heart and stepping away from the decision of our family. I had never seen hatred for myself in Bade Papa’s eyes but now, I could see him hating me for making his son suffer. My beloved Dadi jaan had been pampering me since childhood but for the first time she was not ready to fulfill my demands.

"Try to understand, Fayra, a loving, understanding, supportive and caring husband is one of the biggest blessings a girl can get. Don't let Danish go away from your life. Try to understand beta… it's not easy to find such a nice guy.” Mummy was tired of me. Neither with anger nor with politeness, her only daughter was impossible to bring around. 

But how could I make her understand that I can't be a good wife to Danish. I could only take everything from him, I was unable to give him anything. Eventually we both will suffer. 

"Can you see Danish with someone else?” Another question from my mother worked like a hammer in my heart. From the day I saw Aisha in his apartment, this thought was already killing me silently. 

That's true, I couldn't see him with anyone else. Since childhood I had seen him like my personal property. When I was only four I used to cry and show my stubbornness to wear his t-shirts. Whenever he brought new stationery or new games for himself I snatched them away from him. It didn't stop in childhood, when he bought his first mobile phone from his savings I took it away rightfully and he let me take it. From his mobile phones to his laptop, and from his wallet to the food on his plate, I claimed everything. I have to admit he never took a step away from me and my demands. But it doesn't mean that only he had been making all the effort. 

From arranging his wardrobe to making tea for him in all the odd hours. From waking him up for school and college to covering up his secret nightouts with his friends. From staying awake the whole night to giving him medicines at the right time when he fell sick, I did everything. He was my Danish Bhai, I was his Faru. God knows what these people have done with us and our relationship. 

“Fayra aapi, coffee." Zinia came inside with a glass of cold coffee and passed me a small smile. 

"Thanks.” 

"Want something else?” She asked and I shook my head. I didn't even want cold coffee. 

"Fayra aapi.” She held my hand.

"Hmm?”

"Don't do this with Danish bhai, he loves you.”

“And what about me? I don't love him in this way." I pulled my hand away from her grip and she sighed while sitting beside me. The kitabi keeda (bookworm) of our family gave me a disappointed look, but the very next moment she hugged me. 

"I want both of you to be happy. Together or separately.” 

"And what's the reason behind this sudden change in your decision?" I asked while embracing her tightly. My little sister. 

“I was upset for both of you, somehow Shaaz understood so he asked me the problem and…" for a moment she hesitated but broke the hug, "I told him everything about you and Danish bhai.” I gave her a disappointed look. I never liked her oversharing with that guy. I never feel anything good about him. 

"And what?”

"He told me that marriage shouldn't be a burden but a source of peace and joy. And for you this marriage is becoming a burden, unfortunately Danish bhai wants to make this beautiful… but…" Zinia stopped and I sighed. 

“I can't help.” 

"Fayra aapi, you're looking stressed. You can talk to me. You can share everything with me.” I looked at my little sister who was behaving like an elder one. Maybe she was more mature than me. Maybe I was good for nothing unlike her. 

“Mujhe nhi samajh aa rha ki main kya chahti hu, Danish meri aadat hain, unke bina rehne ka khayal mujhe dara deta hai, aur unke sath rehna ghutan se zyada kuch nhi.” 

(I don't know what exactly I want. Danish is my habit. The thought of going away from him scares me every single time but the idea of living with him in the same room also suffocates me.)

“think with an open mind, aapi. We all love you, your decision will not decrease our love for you... We all care about your happiness and comfort, that's why we want an amazing husband for you. And Danish bhai is that amazing guy. I know, we can't force you to love him.. It's completely up to you but keep in your mind… There are countless Arsh around us, but Danish is always hard to find… Talk to Danish bhai once. You never hesitated to chew his ear off, so what happened now? Clear everything na. Either argue or confess love, but don't end everything in silence. Even if you decided to end everything, at least give him a closer. He doesn't deserve a silent heartbreak.” She has tears while saying the last part. She gave me a hard smile before standing up to go back but stopped for a moment. 

“Aapi, at least once analyse your feelings. What makes you more uncomfortable? Idea of Danish bhai with you or idea of going away from him? When do you feel more relaxed? When you know that you have a guy named Danish who would handle all your worries or when he wasn't here with you.” She left me alone with a roadmap to read my own feelings. And I spent the next two days preparing myself for the upcoming time.

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After Two Days. 

“Can we talk?" After returning from the office Danish was sitting in the hall. His eyes were red and face looked dull. Maybe he was tired or maybe sad. 

"Wow, do you really want to talk? I thought you only wanted to run away from me.” sitting with straight back he looked in my eyes and I took a deep breath.

“I have already decided what I want." I could see a small smile my statement brought on his face. 

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Continuing…

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