The Longest Autumn

“How are you now?" Sitting beside Fayra she asked lovingly while caressing her head. 

“Better." She muttered and sat down on the bed. "I'm feeling tired of being on the bed.” she added while grabbing her messy hair and made a rough bun out of it. 

“Hmm… because of fever.” she caressed her head and cheeks lovingly. “Want to have something or wanna go somewhere?" The question was being asked with love but Fayra just shook her head. 

"Now, I have to talk to you." 

“It's about Danish. Isn't it?" Fayra knew it already and Maizah sighed but nodded. 

“Fayra, meri baat dhyan se sunna, Danish se mera sirf ek rishta hai, wo mera beta hai. Aur tumse mere teen rishte hain, tum mere bhai ki beti bhi ho, meri sabse pyari cousin sister ki beti bhi ho aur ab to tum meri Bahu bhi ho… aur in teeno rishto ki wajah se mujhe tumse hadd se zyada pyaar hai, beta.” 

(Fayra, listen to me carefully. I have only one relationship with Danish, he is only a son to me. But I have three different relationships with you. You're my brother's daughter. My favourite cousin’s daughter and now, you're my daughter-in-law too. That's why I love you thrice, beta.)

"Badi Mumma main bhi to aapse itna pyar karti hu.” Fayra muttered. 

(Badi Mumma, I also love you so much.) 

“No doubt you do." Maizah grabbed Fayra's hand between her both hands. “Tell me what's in your heart? What's stopping you from accepting Danish as your husband?" Maizah touched her sour spot. Sara was also trying to convince this girl to give Danish a chance but she never really understood what Maizah saw. 

“All men are alike… cheaters.” Fayra muttered. 

"You also know Danish is not a cheater. He loves you crazily. He has already explained his action, I understand he shouldn't stay at Aisha’s place at night but beta, he already reasoned everything, can't you forgive one of his mistakes?” Fayra looked at Maizah then again shifted her gaze down. Only yesterday she received another letter from Danish along with a wrist watch. She almost threw the letter in the bedside drawer and gave that watch to Zunera. 

"Now tell me the real reason." The question was being repeated softly. Fayra's heart started beating faster. Maizah noticed Fayra’s hand turning cold. Somehow this woman understood the reason. Years ago she and Anzala had been forced into a marriage which was not easy for them to accept. 

“I don't like him." Fayra didn't make eye contact but pulled her hand away from Maizah’s grip slowly.

“Don't like him? Or don't like him as a husband?" Maizah's question gave a jolt to Fayra's heart. She suddenly looked up. How did Maizah read what she was hiding inside her?

Maizah already knew, Fayra and Danish were like each other's shadows. The difference between them started occurring from the time when once Maizah saw Danish hugging her, the mother noticed the amount of discomfort in this girl's eyes. 

“You know what, my and Anzala's bond was just like yours and Danish. We were best friends. Inseparable. But I had a crush on someone else, and Anzala…" Maizah rolled her eyes, “he had a heart on his sleeve, girls used to roam around him.” She again jerked her head. Even after so many years she couldn't forget Anzala's friendly flirting with others. 

"Really? Bade papa was a… umm? Flirt? I can't believe it.” Maizah smiled after seeing Fayra's shocked face, but she continued the story. 

“Anzala and I never wanted to get married but the marriage took place because of a misunderstanding.”

"What was the misunderstanding?” Fayra asked.

"Our family didn't trust us, they thought we were more than best friends. They saw a photo in which I was sleeping resting my head on Anzu’s shoulder while coming back from a Goa trip… the bus was dark, so the surroundings were unclear and they all concluded something pathetic." Fayra was surprised to hear the hidden things of her family, she never knew about all these things.

"Then?”

"Then a forced marriage.” Maizah shrugged.

"And you both accepted?” Fayra's mouth was hung open.

"For one year we rebelled and struggled too much to make them believe in our piousness. After almost one year when our elders got to know that they misunderstood us, they agreed for our divorce but in this time we realised that no one can understand us better than each other. We were inseparable so we decided to accept what destiny served us.”

"Oh…” Fayra nodded without looking up… she was surprised to imagine Maizah and Anzala accepting this kind of marriage. But Maizah one more time understood her discomfort.

"Marriage is not all about physical intimacy…" Maizah said in a slow voice, Fayra suddenly looked up. Shocked. Flushed. She didn't expect Maizah saying something like this but sometimes elders have to open up to their children to guide them.

"Don't be shocked. Now you're married, so understand the situation instead of running away from this.” Maizah again held Fayra's hand in between her hands. “Marriage is important for emotional support too. Sharing responsibilities. Understanding each other and enjoying life together. Facing ups and downs, still standing with each other. If you feel that you and Danish are compatible in all these things, then give him a chance. You feel uncomfortable with Danish. Right?” Fayra nodded without making eye contact. She was feeling shy to discuss this topic but it was important. 

"It's natural, but think about it. If you want to give a chance to Danish and this marriage then focus on the points I mentioned. Compatibility. Understanding. Support… etc, and if you don't feel anything for Danish then…" Maizah left Fayra's hand from her grip 

“Then?" 

“If not then set Danish free from this marriage. Your silence and ignorance are giving him hope that you need some time and eventually you'll accept this marriage." Maizah stepped down from the bed and added…

“Ummede insaan ko zinda rakhti hain, aur ummedo ka tut jana insaan ko jeete ji maar deta hai. Mera beta tumhare sath zindagi guzaarne ki ummeed laga ke baitha hua hai Fayra, behtar hoga agar tum is rishte ko accept nhi kar sakti to Danish ki ummedo ko abhi tood do. Jitna zyada waqt guzrlarta jayega use utna zyada dard hoga. Main apne bete ko dard me nhi dekh sakti.” And Maizah left after clearing her side. No doubt she loved Fayra but Danish was definitely more important for her. 

(Hope is what keeps a person alive, and when those hopes break, it kills them while they’re still breathing.

My son is holding on to the hope of spending his life with you, Fayra. If you cannot accept this relationship, then it’s better to break Danish’s hopes now. The longer you take, the more it will hurt him.

I cannot watch my son suffer.)

Fayra kept watching the door from which Maizah left the room. She could still feel her hands shivering with whatever Maizah tried to explain. 

Being comfortable with Danish wasn't difficult for her but in that way…? 

No. Not at all! 

With her weak legs she walked towards the door and slammed it before coming back to the bed. A yellow envelope was resting in the bedside drawer. Taking a deep breath she tore the upper edge to find a folded paper in it. 

Meri Pyari Fayra, 

Naraz ho? Meri galti to bta do. Trust me, Aisha is just a friend, I've already explained everything to you. Kya tumhe nhi pta main kesa insaan hu? Tum to mujhe bachpan se jaanti ho na? Phir tum mujh par shak kese kar sakti ho? Mujhe to tum par gussa aa rha tha, lekin kya kru? Majbur hu, Tum par gussa bhi to nhi kar sakta. Tumse naraz rehta hu to lagta hai jese kuch galat kar rha hu. Tumhari yaad aa rhi hai mujhe. Tumhari har baat… bachpan se le ke ab tak sab kuch. Yaar kitne drame karti thi na tum bachpan mein, aur har ilzaam mujh par laga deti thi. Yaad hai wo baat jab tumne nani jaan ke room ka vintage mirror tood diya tha aur jab sabne pucha kya hua tha to tumne keh diya ki ball to Danish bhai ke paas thi. Lekin kisi ko aaj tak nhi pta ball bhale hi mere hath me thi lekin wo mirror ball se nhi tumhare wooden toy se toota tha. Aur wo baat yaad hai jab tumne Dad ke laptop screen me pen maar ke hole kar diya tha? Tum dar gyi thi aur khud ko bachane ke liye mera naam le diya tha sab ke saamne. Phir subah se shaam tak dad ne mujhe room ke bahar hath upar kar ke khada rakha tha. 

Tum aaj bhi wesi hi ho Fatrat. Jab samajh nhi aata situation se deal kese kro to mujhe par ilzaam laga deti ho. Kitni daant padwati ho tum mujhe. 

Khair, dhyan rakhna apna. Tumhare liye ek wristwatch bheji hai maine, pehen lena. Aur haan… unblock kar do mujhe. Itna bhi bura nhi hu main jitna tumhe lagne laga hu.

Bye.

##See the end of the chapter for translation

Fayra had tears in her eyes. She didn't read this letter as a cluster of words, but heard it as if Danish talking to her. He was sounding upset. He was sounding angry too. 

“Danish…” she sighed while closing her eyes and two tears rolled down to her cheeks. 

"Danish Bhai.” Six year old Fayra was scared of her mistake. She was trying to burst the bubble present inside the laptop screen but unfortunately she burst something else. Now a sticky liquid was oozing out of the screen which was losing its color with every passing second.

"Oh no.” Danish just came out from the washroom to notice the kaand (blunder) performed by this little girl. He was doing his school project work using Anzala's laptop and Fayra was sitting with him for no good reason and… 

“Fayra… ye kya kra?” Danish pulled the pen out from the laptop screen, both the kids were panicked, but before they could think anything Anzala walked into the room for some reason but he was shocked to see Danish holding the pen and the condition of the screen. 

(Fayra, what have you done?)

"Who did this?” Maybe for the first time Anzala shouted at his son because that laptop was not only a device but his business plan too. Danish looked at Fayra whose eyes were filled with tears and face was looking pale. Her naturally red lips turned white due to fear. Anzala looked at Fayra. Her condition was telling that she was behind it. 

"You did it?” 

“No." She immediately shook her head and looked at Danish. “Danish Bhai." She pointed out towards the thirteen year old Danish. 

Anzala's anger had no limits. “Do you even know how important this laptop is?" He yelled. Danish and Fayra both started crying. And after only ten minutes Danish was standing outside the room with both hands raised high in the air. 

“Danish Bhai." Fayra came to him when no one was there. 

“Go away," he was angry but he didn't tell his father about the real culprit just to save her. 

“Danish Bhai." With her little hand she held his shirt. "I'm sorry, please don't be offended.” she cried out helplessly holding his shirt and Danish's anger flew away. He couldn't see this chubby baby crying. 

"Stop it.” but he was still rude.

"I'll give you all my chocolates. Promise. Please Danish bhai.” 

“Jao main tumse naraz nhi hu." He slowly pushed her away but Fayra shook her head while abruptly wiping her tears, the unpredictable girl walked downstairs where Anzala was sitting with other family members. They all witnessed the scene when Fayra was crying standing near Danish but no one could hear their conversation. 

(Go, I'm not offended with you.) 

"DAD.” It was a sharp and loud call for Anzala. Fayra sniffled again and stood up among the elders. 

“I broke your laptop. Let my Danish bhai go.” She cried out and everyone looked at Danish still standing in the corridor of the first floor. 

“Anzu it's enough now, he is just thirteen. Still a kid. For how long will you punish my son even if he did it intentionally, not accidentally?” Maizah was unable to tolerate Danish's punishment anymore. She was trying to soften Anzala's heart but today he wanted to set an example for Danish that not all mistakes are meant to be forgiven. 

"Dad. It wasn't Danish Bhai's mistake. I'm ready to bear the punishment." Fayra raised her hands in the air without any command from Anzala. Everyone thought it was the tactic of this girl to save Danish but her act melted Anzala's heart. He pulled Fayra in a soft hug before kissing her head and cheeks. 

“Go and tell him to take a rest.” 

The little girl ran upstairs and hugged Danish. 

“You promised me to give you chocolates." Danish hugged her back while whispering but Fayra furrowed. 

"When did I?” And she ran away. 

She still remembered hugging him while crying as well as breaking her promise within a few minutes. She read his letter one more time. Tears again started rolling her eyes as she read the last line of the letter. Aur haan… unblock kar do mujhe. Itna bhi bura nhi hu main jitna tumhe lagne laga hu.

Picking up the mobile she unblocked Danish and dialled his number. 

“Hello." His voice held disappointment as well as surprise when he got her call. 

Fayra waited for him to say something. Danish waited for her to speak first. But the distance between them was bringing differences between them. 

"Will you say something or not?” Danish was angry, he didn't want to initiate the conversation. He didn't want to bow in front of her when she was wrong. Call it male ego or something else but he decided to go this way for the first time. Maybe he was too hurt.

"Aapko samajh kyu nhi aata main aapko preshan nhi dekh sakti. Aur ye sab kya likha hai aapne letter me? Main aapko daant padwati hu? Aur aap kya karte hain bachpan se aaj tak? Sirf aur sirf apni qurbaniya yaad rakhte hain, jese main kabhi kuch nhi karti aapke liye. Jab aap bimar padte the kon aapka sabse zyada dhyan rakhta tha? Main sirf 7 saal ki thi jab maine chai banani seekhi thi, just because you like it. Mujhe cooking nhi aati lekin aapke liye main chef ban jaati hu, Mujhe stitching se nafrat hoti hai lekin aapke liye maine youtube se dekh dekh ke stitching bhi seekhi aur aapke kitne kapde alter kre jo aap kharab kar ke ke aate the. Wo sab bhul gye aap?” This time Fayra was disappointed but Danish smiled.

(Why don’t you understand that I can’t bear to see you worried? And what is all this that you’ve written in the letter? Do I scold you all the time? And what have you been doing from childhood till now? You only remember your sacrifices, as if I’ve never done anything for you. When you used to fall sick, who took the most care of you? I was just seven years old when I learned how to make tea—just because you like it. I don’t know how to cook, yet for you I become a chef. I hate stitching, but for you I even learned stitching by watching YouTube, and altered so many of your clothes that you would come home having ruined. Have you forgotten all of that?)

“I remember everything. I just want to remind you that we both shared a beautiful bond before our nikah and we can continue this bond further very beautifully."

"Sometimes I feel this marriage ruined our relationship… everything was so good and now, life is becoming a mess…” she muttered what she was already holding in her heart. Danish was silently hearing the voice he loved to hear. 

“It is not that bad Fayra, we need to understand that life goes on with or without our will, we need to accept many changes.” 

“Can I talk to you later? I am in no mood to talk.” she muttered and Danish sighed, he knew from where it was coming.

“Okay, I am not talking about our marriage… Tell me how are you now? Is your fever fine?”

“Fine.”

“Fayra, can you forget that we are already married?”

“What?” The unexpected demand was enough to shock Fayra. Danish, who wanted nothing but Fayra accepting this marriage, demanded to forget the fact?

“Yeah, because you're being so formal and indifferent after becoming my wife. I miss that demanding and dramatic Fayda who used to argue with me, irritate me, tease me.” 

“It was a different situation." She muttered, not wanting to talk to Danish. 

"What was different? I'm the same Danish, you're the same Fayra. We still care for each other.”

"I used to be comfortable with you when you were my cousin brother, I don't feel comfortable when you're my husband.” Maybe for the first time this girl made up her mind and started announcing what she already wanted. "Both situations are different.”

"We have to vanquish that difference, Fayra.”

"Why does no one want to understand my situation? Why?” And the call ended leaving Danish shocked and Fayra shivering with the thought of Danish as her husband. 

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Translation Of Letter

My dear Fayra, 

Are you angry with me? At least tell me my mistakes. Trust me, Aisha is just a friend, I've already explained everything to you. Haven't you known me since childhood? Don't you know about my character? Then how can you be distrustful towards me? I was mad at you for this but I'm helpless, I can't even stay angry with you, it feels like committing a sin. I'm missing you Fayra. I'm missing you so much. Every time I'm recalling some incidents from our childhood. Remember when you broke the vintage mirror of Dadi Jaan? You told over asking that DANISH BHAI WAS THE ONE WHO HELD THE BALL, but the fact is unknown to everyone till date. I was holding the ball but the mirror was broken due to your wooden toy. You were so dramatic. Always ready to put blame on me. Remember when you puncture Dad's laptop screen? You were scared; to save yourself you put the blame on me and from morning to evening Dad kept me standing outside the room with my hands raised high in the air. 

You're still the same Fayra, when you're on the fence you put the blame on me to save yourself. You always make me scolded by my parents. 

Well, take care of yourself. I've sent you a wristwatch, wear it. And.. one more thing… Please unblock me. I'm not as hateable as you started hating me.

Bye.

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